Thursday, February 28, 2013

I Lost Myself

While I lived with an abuser, I lost myself:

  • Pleasing the abuser became more important than knowing what I thought or desired.
  • Hiding from the painful truth became more important than paying attention to my emotions. I became emotionally numb.
  • Believing the abuser meant suspending reality to embrace irrational beliefs and conflicting stories.
  • Staying really busy meant I didn't have time to think about what kind of life I was living.
  • Taking care of others became essential and self-care became mostly non-existent.
  • Having needs wasn't allowed, so I just ignored my needs until I didn't even know that I had any needs.
  • Saying I was fine when I really wasn't, helped me enter a land of continual fogginess.
  • I forgot what made me happy.
  • I forgot my likes and dislikes. All that mattered was what the abuser didn't like about me.
  • I couldn't think of even five things that I liked about myself.
  • My mind was continually on the alert for danger.
  • I couldn't sleep soundly because abuse happened during the night too.
  • I couldn't problem solve effectively. I was paralyzed by fear.
  • Choices seemed almost impossible. I didn't know my own mind or heart most of the time. 
As I have recovered from abuse, I have re-discovered myself and have grown to like myself just the way I am. 

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