Thursday, August 2, 2012

Twisted Entitlement

Wrapping our head around how an abuser behaves is challenging for a victim because their perspectives are so different. The abuser doesn't acknowledge how hard you try to please him/her. He or she feels entitled to treat you however he or she wants. He or she feels entitled.

The abuser is thoroughly convinced that you are a debtor. He feels that you owe him:

·       You owe him subservience. Because he is the king.

·       You owe her complete empathy. Because the whole world is against her.

·        You owe him worship. He is better than you.

·       You owe her obedience. She is always right.

·       You owe him instant gratification. His needs are always first.

·       You owe her surrender. Her will must reign.

·       You owe him whatever kind of sex he wants whenever he wants it. You were made to meet his sexual needs.

·       You owe her praise. She is better than you notice.

·       You owe him mindreading. He shouldn't ever need to tell you what he needs or wants.

·       You owe her appreciation. She has sacrificed so much to put up with you.

·       You owe him loyalty. He has been so giving, hasn't he.

·       You owe her complete trust. She is your superior.

In reality, you do not owe your abuser any of these things. The abuser is a human being who isn’t more elevated or special than the rest of the humans on the planet. He or she is a fallible, troubled individual who has lost touch with reality and is trying to coerce you into meeting their imagined needs and rights.

You are entitled to relationships that build you up, rather than tear you down. You have the right to have healthy, two-way relationships with people who are kind to you. You don’t have to agree with others all the time. You should be able to ask for help meeting one of your needs, without chaos and violence being meted out as punishment. You are entitled to feel safe in your own home. If someone you live with has stripped away your rights, so that they can feel superior to you, consider whether entitlement is feeding abuse. Recognizing what is going on is the first step toward freedom.

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