Hyper-vigilance

For years I was like an over wound spring. I was always taunt, believing that I must be on the alert 24/7 in order to protect myself from further harm. I slept lightly so I could be aware when my door was opened during the night. I tried to shower or bathe only when my dad was preoccupied or gone. I avoided my parents after their third glass of alcohol of the evening. I tried to never anger my parents. As a young adult, I tried to never leave our children alone with my husband. I tried to foresee what might anger my husband and then fix it. I tried to interfere when he was upset with one of the children. I tried, I tried, I tried.

I listened and watched for warning signs of trouble with everyone, not just my known abusers. I waited and watched for the worst to happen, hopeful that somehow, this time, I could avert abuse. Once in awhile, I did seem to rescue myself from a particular incident, but the overall pattern of abuse continued unchecked. I was alone in a never-ending traumatized state.

Looking back, my hyper-vigilance seems valiant and in vain. My self-protection efforts were just not very effective despite my conscientiousness. I feel compassion for my younger self who worked so hard for so little return.

One day I was simply too exhausted to continue. I gave up and cried out for God's help. he showed up and led me step by step out of abuse. I feel great relief that those days of continual vigilance are over. I feel grateful to God for rescuing me from such an impossible job.

Today, I no longer see myself as the prevent-er of pain, trauma, and abuse. With God's help, I've learned how to be more assertive and have stopped living with abuse. Even more importantly, I've learned that God is loving, good, and trustworthy. Now I keep my eyes on Him not on my fears. I watch with eager expectation now to see how God is going to help when life becomes challenging or painful. I'm not tightly wound up anymore, because I know God will help me in each situation. He can handle even the worst scenarios. he works all things for my good, helping me to become more like Jesus (Romans 8:28-29). I can rest now, because God is with me, behind me, before me, and in me. I no longer walk alone.