Forgiving Ourselves

I spent years rehashing what had happened in my first marriage. Questioning myself with a judging spirit. Why had I married an abusive spouse? What was wrong with me? Didn't I see signs of warning each time I reviewed our story? How could I have been so stupid?

Have you ever gone there? Judging yourself based on hindsight? Condemning yourself to self-criticism and lowered self-respect?

With God's help, I realized about six years ago that with my refusal to forgive myself I wasn't showing much faith in Jesus' effectiveness as my savior. It was as if I was saying, "Lord, what you did when you died on the cross for our sins was great. It saved everybody. I am so glad that you forgive me, but I have made some mistakes and committed some sins that are unforgivable in my eyes. So I am going to keep punishing myself for the sins you say are covered and taken care of already." There's a perverse pride in this kind of thinking.

Who was I to reject God's verdict? He has declared me forgiven (John 3:16) and righteous (Romans 5:16) in Christ Jesus. I am mixing things up when I put my judgment and self-punishment above God's judgment and mercy. God's mercy flowed freely again as I realized what I had been doing and repented. I can testify that living under God's grace is a far more pleasant path than playing judge over myself. His forgiveness is stunning--and so complete.

God and a kind counselor also helped me see I had a tendency to take on false guilt that really belonged to the abuser. I still tended to blame myself for all abuse that had occurred. I still carried a heavy load of shame. I had unloaded some shame as I recovered, a little bit at a time. This year it has been as if I have unloaded a huge truck load of shame that had still found places to hide inside of my heart, mind, and soul. It is delightful to be separated from that junk. I can see clearly now that in God's perspective the shame of abuse was never mine to carry.

Perhaps, you recognize that you haven't forgiven yourself either. Perhaps you are hard on yourself for not heeding warning signs or for taking too long to end the abuse. Or maybe you've wrongly condemned yourself for things that could not be your fault. Talk to God about it in prayer. He loves you. He would love to see you stop punishing yourself; if you confess, he forgives you (1 John 1:9). He invites you to let go of the "false" guilt issues you may be lugging around; he wants us to let Him carry all of our anxieties (1Peter 5:7). We have nothing to fear anymore (Romans 8:15).

4/30/09